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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28641684">Head above water</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefangirl9/pseuds/thefangirl9'>thefangirl9</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Wilds (TV 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff and Angst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:41:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,173</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28641684</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefangirl9/pseuds/thefangirl9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>(originally titled 'Shelby comes out' but I've added a new and final chapter)</p><p>My imagining of the development and drama of Shelby and Toni's relationship on the island.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>209</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Shelby comes out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>How I imagine everyone finds out about Shelby and Toni. And yep, I'm completely ignoring the shark attack/Nora impostor reveal.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>Leah</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Leah hadn't been able to sleep for days now. Yes, she was paranoid but she had since learnt not to bring it up with the other girls. Instead, she just lay on the ground every night pretending to sleep until exhaustion took her. This night, Toni was in charge of keeping the fire going. Leah was directly across from her, so if she squinted she could make it look like her eyes were closed whilst still seeing. She watched as Toni looked over at Martha to check if she was okay, and then, to Leah's surprise, she went over to Shelby. It looked like Shelby was also having difficulty sleeping; she looked cold. They were all cold, but Toni took off her jacket and placed it on Shelby. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You don't have to do that you know." Shelby whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I know," Toni responded. "But I want to."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a long pause before Shelby breathed, "Toni, I'm scared. I'm not sure I can do this." Leah was becoming more and more apparent that this was a very private conversation she had no business in listening into but she couldn't help it. Not only because she was obsessed with the truth, but because she was genuinely interested in what Shelby had to say. Ever since Shelby's meltdown, Leah had felt a comradarie with Shelby that she hadn't felt with any of the girls. Their minds worked in similar, toxic ways that could take them over if they weren't careful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I-it's like all I want to do is touch you but I feel so disgusted with myself for the thoughts. And then, when I do and it's a million times better than I ever could dream, I think how can this be wrong? But then I hate myself afterwards for liking it so much, it goes against everything I've been told. And I'm so scared that if we get off this island I'll revert back."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni took Shelby's hand and squeezed it."Hey, it doesn't look like we're getting off this island any time soon. You're safe here. You're safe with me, and whenever you want to tell the others, you'll be safe with them too. Hell, it'll probably redeem you - just how you were ostracised for thinking one way in your old home, I guess that's happened here for the exact opposite reason." Toni paused."But take your time, like I said, I understand what it's like to have to figure things out. And it is scary. Terrifying. But once you say it, there's like this terrible weight that's lifted from you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And with that, Leah's body gave out and she fell asleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next morning, everyone was doing their assigned chores. She was paired with Toni to collect water. That suited Leah just fine, she felt like she had an obligation to have a conversation with her after what she overheard. After they had been working in companionable silence for half an hour, Leah decided to broach the topic. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, I haven't been able to sleep for a while."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh really? That sucks." Toni replied nonchalant. Okay, so she didn't take the hint. Leah braced herself, deciding to rip the band aid off quickly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I heard you and Shelby last night." She said quickly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni's body immediately tensed. Instead of shouting at her like Leah kind of expected, Toni replied relatively calmly, although she still had an edge in her voice. "Then please don't say anything. She's got so much internalised homophobia I don't know when she'll be comfortable talking about it in public."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leah softened. "Of course not. But Toni? Please be gentle with her. I've come to realise that Shelby's like me, meaning love can really fuck her up. So don't you dare break her fucking heart okay? There's only room for one broken hearted soul here."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni smiled. "I'll try not to. I'm letting her take the lead here even if it fucking kills me. And for the record, I've also had my heart broken." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leah's eyebrows quirked at that. She and Toni had never really had a very in depth conversation, certainly not about Toni's past. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It was my fucking anger problems. She dumped me and I smashed her windshield." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leah mulled this over. "How long have you and Shelby been together? A week?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, how'd you know?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think you've calmed down a lot since then. Like for example, I reckon if I told you I'd overheard a private conversation then threatened you on the first day you would have come at me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni considered this. "Thanks. I guess I've realised I don't need to keep my guard up so much anymore. Everyone's in the same position and we all just need to be there for each other." Toni decided to add. "Even if someone's watching over us, they're clearly not gonna fucking help us. I've learnt that through the Foster care system. The powers that be don't give a fuck so neither should you." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This made Leah feel somewhat better. After all, Toni was right. She just wished the horrible feeling in her gut would just give it a rest so she she could see it the way Toni did. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Nora </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Nora had been assigned her task with Shelby. Nora had been observing Shelby's character shift over the last couple of weeks with intense interest. There was some serious inner conflict going on, Nora could tell. And if she had to guess, it was probably to do with something about her religiosity. Nora had noticed that characters like Shelby, loud and flamboyant, would often end up giving in and talking in silence. Nora was right on the mark as Shelby opened her mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you ever just feel like the expectations from your parents can be so suffocating?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nora considered this. "Yes, but I also think expectations I place on myself are probably worse. Your mind can be your best and worst enemy."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby switched track. "Do you know anything about Christianity, Nora? I figured if there was anyone here that knew anything about it'd be you." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, my parents took Rachel and I to church every Sunday. Rachel wasn't interested and I didn't buy into the faith per se, but I did find it incredibly fascinating. So I've read into a lot, yes. Why?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby paused and tried to act as casual possible when she asked."Well what do you think about being gay and what Christians should think?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think what you got told is all wrong. I think the bible is a product of its time and if you actually see it in context it was it's condemnation of being gay was actually just trying to stop boys getting raped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tell me, what's so unique about Christianity compared to other religions?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We believe in Jesus. That he was the Son of God and died for our sins." Shelby said without hesitation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Right. And you know what, I think Jesus was pretty fucking cool. He was way ahead of his time and I can guarantee you he would be the one waving the biggest rainbow flag at a Pride march. And do you know why that is? Jesus stands for love. He always gave everyone the time of day, including women, prostitutes, anyone that was considered 'dirty'. Jesus saw right through all the bullshit."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jesus stands for love…" Shelby muttered like she was mulling it over in her head. Then she looked sad again. "Even if we don't deserve it." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nora's heart broke to see someone look so defeated. "No Shelby. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Everyone </span>
  </em>
  <span>deserves love. You know, in the bible it says you can't wear jewellery. You can't pick and choose which sins are irredeemable and which ones aren't. The only thing that should matter is if you're causing harm to yourself or others. Now, Toni can harm people in many other ways, but choosing who she kisses is not one of them."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What's Toni got to do with this?" Shelby replied sharply. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Umm… because she's gay? Isn't that why you were asking about this?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Right…. Toni." Shelby looked incredibly conflicted it for a second before she decided to steel herself and plough through. She didn't know what gave her to courage but the words spilled out of her before she could change her mind. "I'm not talking about Toni. I-I'm talking….. About myself." Shelby couldn't look Nora directly in the eyes. Her heart was hammering. She was so scared about how Nora would react. She was about to take it back, say she was just joking when to her surprise, Nora threw her arms around her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"it's okay Shelby. It really is. Did you know 90% of Christians fully support the LGBT community? I'm sorry that you're from that cursed 10%." Nora continued. "you really don't have to give up your faith to be who you are. It's all about what you take from things like religion. And I think you should take that above all else, it means love."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby held back tears. This is the exact conversation she needed to give her the confidence. She was slowly starting to realise in this changed reality she'd be accepted. With such a hopeful response, Shelby was feeling on cloud 9 and her confidence soared. She felt ready to tell some more people. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dot</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot and Fatin were watching the fire. Which meant Dot was watching the fire.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Right Princess, you need to go collect some firewood. I don't trust you to keep the fire running whilst I go."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fatin pouted. "But the only supply left is on the other fucking side of the island I'm so fucking tired. I swear I will keep feeding it properly." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sorry, no dice. You're gonna get have to get off that pretty little ass of yours unless you can give me one reason not to."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fatin smiled. "How about a bet? If I'm right you have to go get it and if I'm wrong then I'll go get it every time I'm on duty. But first you have to promise not tell anyone"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now Dot was intrigued. "Alright, what is it?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think Shelby's a gay motherfucker."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot actually burst out loud. "I guess you'll be getting firewood for the next week because there is no way in hell that's true. I've been to the same school as her for as long as I can remember and she is the straightest whitest church going rich girl you've ever met. I've never not seen her without a boyfriend." Dot laughed."God Fatin, you do crack me up, I'll give you that." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot surveyed Fatin's face. "Oh my god you're serious. And how on earth are you gonna prove that unless we go up to Shelby and ask her?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I just saw her talking to Nora. I haven't seen her smiling that, well ever. My guess is she just told her and she's feeling confident and the next safest person to tell is you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Me? I'm literally from the same godforsaken town as her."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, but you're Dorothy."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They saw Shelby and Nora walking towards them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Just watch." She murmured before calling over to them. "Hey Nora? Would you mind going with me to get some firewood. Dot needs to stay here to keep an eye on the fire."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sure!" Nora called back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fatin wiggled her eyebrows. Dot rolled her eyes. "This is the biggest load of bullshit ever but okay."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Nora and Fatin left, Shelby settled next to her. Dot could tell she was buzzing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What's up?" Dot said. Suddenly Shelby's demeanour dropped and she looked nervous and fidgety. She was so sure of Fatin being wrong she thought, fuck it she'll ask her and it'll hopefully make Shelby smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You know what's funny? Fatin, she, um, she said that you're gay." Shelby went still. "Hey, I just thought it was funny, you don't need to get offended. I wish you weren't so up yourself about that Shelby. I thought it'd make you laugh. I knew your dad was a bit of a dick about this stuff but I didn't think you'd be too."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby looked to sea and was incredibly calm as she said. "I'm seeing Toni."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot spat out her drink. "What?". </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot could see Shelby's face and she could practically hear her internal monologue having extreme regrets about telling her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I mean, it's cool. I'm just having to do some mental gymnastics removing you from this box I'd put you in. I always knew you were more than the Pageant Queen popular girl that everyone thought. I thought your family might have some skeletons in the closet, but I guess not you being in one." When Shelby still didn't say anything, Dot continued."I told you you deserve better than Andrew. Toni is a million times better, so I'm glad. If she hurts you I'll punch her in the face though."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That got a smile out of Shelby. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do if we ever leave this island. You said yourself, my dad, he'll never accept me." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Maybe you can join Fatin and me in LA." Dot half joked. "Fuck, I owe Fatin now." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Shelby</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>It made all sorts of uncomfortable that Fatin had made a bet with Dot about her, but she decided against saying anything. She also bristled when Dot had used the word </span>
  <em>
    <span>gay. </span>
  </em>
  <span>She just couldn't bring herself to say it, not yet. She didn't want to label herself when she was still so confused, so full of self-hate. Toni was right, she still needed time to come to terms with it. It had also felt so fucking good, that conversation with Nora and Dot. She felt lighter. Maybe she could tell everyone else tonight without actually having to say </span>
  <em>
    <span>it</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Leah and Toni, Rachel and Martha came back. The next person she'd feel comfortable telling is Leah, but she wasn't about to bring the conversation up in a public setting. Fatin had no trouble doing that for her, much to Shelby's chagrin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Was I right?" she said to Dot as Nora and her joined the group. Shelby visibly cringed, hoping that she wouldn't have to out herself right now. She'd had enough for today. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot smiled and nodded but didn't say anything, perhaps more aware of Shelby's inner turmoil. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course the conversation couldn't end there though. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Right about what?" Rachel asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Toni and Shelby fucking." Fatin shrugged non chalant. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby felt sick. She was sick of people speaking for her, humiliating her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rachel's jaw dropped. "What the fuck? You know you don't have to become a lesbian to prove you're not homophobic?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm not trying to prove anything." Shelby said quietly, shame and rage boiling her face going red. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leah's face, bless her, was full of warmth. "I'm happy for you Shelby." She smiled at Shelby, which gave her some of her strength back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Martha on the other hand looked like she'd been slapped in the face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni looked mad at Fatin on her behalf. She'd noticed that Toni never got angry like she used to, but she still was severely pissed off right now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What the fuck is wrong with you Fatin? Just because you know something doesn't give you the God given right to blast everyone else's shit on loud."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Calm the fuck down Toni, basically everyone already knows."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was the first time Martha had spoken since Fatin had outed them. "Who else already knew?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sheepishly, everyone but Rachel put their hands up. With that, Martha stormed off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Fuck." Toni whispered under her breath. She could tell Toni wasn't sure whether to stay and defend Shelby or go after Martha. Toni's eyes reached hers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's okay, go talk to her. I'll be fine." Shelby heard herself say. Toni searched her face before nodding and running after Martha. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Um, I'm gonna go do my evening exercises, you coming with Nora?" and with that Rachel and Nora left. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A moment of calm passed between the remaining people in the group. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well that was fun." Fatin commented. Something snapped within Shelby. She rarely ever shouted at the others, or if she did her rage had always been directed at Toni and that had been for a very very different reason. So everyone, particularly Fatin, was taken aback when Shelby started. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Outing someone else? That was for fun for you? I can't believe I fucking trusted you. You know what, I'm not surprised. You're like a dog with a fucking bone. Of course you would tell everyone, because that's what you do, don't you? You couldn't wait to spill Leah's private life to everyone the minute you got the chance. What, do you just love making people writhe under your thumb? I might not have a choice in the way I feel but I get a fucking choice when I tell people."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She expected Fatin to shout back. So she was surprised to see Fatin on the edge of tears. Clearly, what she said had struck a chord. Leah looked down at the ground and Dot was looking between the two of them like she was watching a car crash. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fatin's voice was barely a whisper. "That's why I'm here you know? I fucking hate secrets. They destroy people. If I think other people should know I fucking do every time. I don't think about the other person, I just act. My dad, he was cheating on my mum, so I sent all the nudes to everyone in his contacts." Fatin looked both proud and disappointed in herself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Fuck Fatin. That sucks." Leah said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Not gonna lie, that took fucking guts so I respect that. But, you really shouldn't have transferred your parental trauma onto Leah and Shelby." Dot commented. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fatin nodded. "You're right. I'm sorry again Leah, and I'm so sorry I was so selfish Shelby. I wasn't thinking about how what I was saying was detrimental to you, even if we all knew everyone would be accepting. It was your thing and I'll try and respect everyone's private lives from now on. I won't even tell anyone if I find you and Toni's secret hook up locations." Fatin couldn't help throwing in a joke to lighten the mood. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, thanks. And FYI my father is also responsible for the guilt I feel too, so I've got you there." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Fuck our fathers!" Fatin cheered. "Well not literally." They both smiled at each other and just like that, the atmosphere dissipated into a much lighter one. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Toni</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Hey, I'm sorry I didn't tell you Marty but you know that I was just respecting Shelby unlike Fatin." Toni said as he reached Marty on the edge of the beach. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't care about that, I mean I get it I know it took you a while to tell me and you're you. No, that's not what I'm pissed about." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Then what is it?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Martha paused. "From that first day, I always wondered, why would someone like Shelby pay me the time of day? Now it all makes sense. She was only ever nice to me to get to you and she's probably only using you to experiment with before she goes back to her cushy life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni was taken aback. She couldn't believe the words that were coming out of Marty's mouth. She'd never slandered anyone before, not even when they really deserved it. Ever since she killed the goat, it was like Martha, instead of seeing everything in its best light, was starting to see everything in red. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's such a load of bullshit and you know it. One, getting close to you had the very opposite effect of making me like her and two, Shelby's got such much inner hate there's no fucking way she'd go anywhere near me if she could help it." Toni realised how that sounded."I'm not saying I'm irresistible, but I mean, like, it's pretty obvious she wishes she was the straight pageant queen she wanted everyone to believe she is. But she's not."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's what I mean." Martha retorted. "She was always lying always fake. I mean, how can you tell what's real with her and what's not?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can okay, Marty ? I always could, that's why she pissed me off so fucking much at the start. As soon as her dentures were revealed so did her mask and-" Toni blushed, "I've seen the real her and she's worth fighting for."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I just don't want to see you get hurt." was all Martha said in response. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I know Marty, I know." She hugged Marty, but she barely hugged her back. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. I don't fucking want it</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Things take a few bad turns but it all works out in the end.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> Shelby  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>A couple of weeks went by and Shelby was becoming more and more comfortable with the group. Shelby had never felt more comfortable in her own skin and the self-hate about her sexuality had been dialled back to almost non-existent. Rachel was still very much not giving shit about anyone's drama, but everyone else apart from Martha seemed very affectionate about the two of them. Martha avoided Shelby and only ever offered her a tight smile. It was the one last piece she needed until she found peace and said as much to Toni one night. </p><p>"I can't stand it anymore. I'm gonna go talk to her."</p><p>"Hey, I told you she'd come around eventually. I think she's just going through her own shit and taking it out on you."</p><p>"I don't care. She's the most beautiful soul here and I'm not going to stop trying."</p><p>Toni loved that Shelby could see how great Marty was even when she was acting up against her. "You're awesome, you know that right?" Toni chuckled and placed a kiss on her forehead. Shelby offered her a weak smile. </p><p> </p><p>That evening, Shelby walked over to where Martha was sitting by herself by the sea. Martha did that a lot more recently - sitting by herself. </p><p>"Hey." Shelby said as she reached her. </p><p>"What do you want Shelby?" Martha replied shortly. So it was going to be like this then. </p><p>"What I want, is to know why you have a problem with me. You seemed to be fine with me before you found out about Toni and I. Heck, you were the person I had the most fun with. Why have you started treating me differently? Is it because you don't think I'm good enough for Toni?"</p><p>Martha let out a watery laugh. Martha didn't answer any of her questions and instead asked one of her own."Why were you so nice to me on that first day? Did you think I was the naïvest one there to fall for your fake charm? So pathetic I'd just lap up your made up persona?" </p><p>Shelby had been expecting a lot of things when she decided to have this conversation but not that. She decided to tell Martha the whole truth, even if she was deathly afraid of doing so.</p><p>"You reminded me of my best friend back in Texas. But she, um, died." When Martha still sat in silence, she decided to tell the full story. "She died because of me and I've never forgiven myself. She was the kindest, purest most beautiful soul you ever did see. And I ruined her. I guess, I thought maybe, I'd get a second chance with you." </p><p>"What did you do?" Martha's expression was unreadable. Shelby flinched at the accusation but for the sake of trying to save their relationship, she decided it was better to put all her cards out. </p><p>"We were so close. She trusted me with her darkest secrets. She was, um, a victim of sexual assault." Shelby was crying at the recount. "And then I-I, kissed her but my dad caught me. I was so fucking terrified of my dad I became a bigger monster than him. I turned all of the truths into horrible twisted lies in front of her. Blamed her for what happened to her, said she attacked me. The next day she killed herself." Shelby's body shook at the admission. She'd never told anyone that before in her life. She had finally let out this snake of truth that she'd been hiding from for so long. She wanted so desperately for Martha to give her a second chance, show her that she needed it.  </p><p>"You're right about one thing. You are a monster." Martha's voice and eyes were cold, far away. Shelby was vaguely aware that this wasn't really Martha talking, what had Toni said? <em> She's going through her own shit. </em> Still, Shelby felt something crack within herself. "You really are nothing but a manipulative, horrible person. You're not gonna go to hell for being gay, you're gonna go to hell because you deserve it. If you expect me to forgive you, I never will and neither will everyone you've let down." Shelby felt like she might throw up thinking of the pain she caused Becca, how many happy years she'll never see because of her. She remembered her conversation with Nora. <em> What matters is if you harm others </em>. She'd been responsible for someone's death, of course she didn't deserve anything. And just like that all the self hate, masks and facades felt like they were slowly surrounding her again. "Toni deserves better than you. I'll keep your dirty little secret so nobody else has to look at you the way I do. And in return, you're going break up with Toni." Shelby was sobbing, every word Martha threw, a knife to her heart. She couldn't afford to have this much hate, from everyone she knew, not again. She wouldn't. She'd be in her own living hell. Through a steady stream of tears, she nodded. Suddenly, everything jilted out of place, and once again, she felt nothing. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Martha </em>
</p><p>Martha had seen Shelby's figure walking towards her but she had barely registered it. As she had sat down, Martha bristled. Shelby was yet another thing she thought was angelic but turned out be a liar. Martha was starting to see everything so very differently now. Where before she saw love, now all she saw was hate. The flaws. The cracks. How everything was so wrong. How everything about herself was. So she listened to Shelby but the more Shelby talked, the more insidious Martha felt. </p><p><em> She was the kindest, purest most beautiful soul </em>. Wrong. Martha was touched. </p><p><em> She was, um, a victim of sexual assault. </em>Right, and yet Martha denied it. </p><p><em> I turned all of the truths into horrible twisted lies </em>. That's all Martha had ever done. To herself, to everyone. So no, she wasn't going to sit there and tell Shelby it was okay, because it wasn't. She hadn't really been talking about Shelby at all, but herself. </p><p>
  <em> You are a monster. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> If you expect me to forgive you, I never will and neither will everyone you've let down. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Toni deserves better than you. I'll keep your dirty little secret so nobody else has to look at you the way I do. </em>
</p><p>But it didn't matter. As long as someone was punished. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>
  <em> Toni  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>By the time Shelby and Martha returned to the campfire, it was dark. Toni hadn't been able to sleep, too nervous about their conversation. Toni had noticed Martha falling and falling and really didn't know what to do about it. She had been so close to joining Shelby for her conversation but decided to respect her wishes when she said she got it. So when Shelby passed her a smile, she felt instantly better. </p><p>"How did it go?" Toni asked. If it had been light, Toni would have seen Shelby's glassy expression. </p><p>"Fine. Gave me some clarity about everything. I'm really tired though, do you mind if I sleep on the other side of the camp tonight?" </p><p>That was weird. The last few nights they'd snuggled together and it had just about become Toni's favourite thing to do on the island. But she remembered her promise to herself; she'd never push Shelby. </p><p>"Sure. Have a good night." Her smile didn't quite reach her eyes, but she was too tired to analyse the situation.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Shelby  </em>
</p><p>Shelby felt like she was watching a movie. The real Shelby was trapped in a cage in the recess of her mind, pounding to get out. But, out of self preservation, she wouldn't let her out. Instead, it was like a new, foreign force had taken over her body, readying herself for what she had to do to survive. When she and Toni were assigned the task of foraging food, she saw Toni's eyebrows quirk in amusement. She plastered a smile on her face and walked with Toni, letting her talk about the locations she thinks they should scout. She waited until they were by themselves before talking. </p><p>"Toni, we need to talk." Shelby heard her voice say. Toni turned around in front, her smile fading when she saw Shelby's face. </p><p>"Okay, I'm not liking that tone, but sure. What's up?" Toni asked. </p><p>"This… This isn't working." She forced her voice to have as much ice in as possible. She saw Toni visibly tense. </p><p>"What do you mean, sure it is? I thought you were, you know, feeling happy about it all?" Toni sounded confused. </p><p>"I think I've given you the wrong idea. I didn't realise, you were like, <em> in love </em>with me or something. I was just using you to figure out my sexuality and I've done that now, so thank you, I'm no longer repressed so I'm done."</p><p>Toni flinched backwards, like she'd slapped her in the face. </p><p>"You're lying." Toni spat back. "Whatever the fuck you were talking about with Martha, it's not true, whatever she said."</p><p>"Are you serious in thinking that I actually like you as a person? I couldn't stand you before and I still can't." Shelby was shocked to hear the venom in her own words. The voice in the back of her mind screamed at her to <em> stop, shut up, take it all back. </em>But she simply couldn't afford herself to become vulnerable ever, ever again. The rage that she hadn't seen in Toni for weeks came crashing back in full force, stronger than she'd ever seen it. Toni moved closer and closer to Shelby, who backed further and further up until she was against a tree, their breaths mingling. The tension was thick in the air. </p><p>"I can tell when you put a mask on Shelby, I always have. So you better tell me what the fuck is going on right now." She could see the anger, hurt and betrayal in her eyes. Toni's fists were clenched, like she was doing all in her power not punch something. </p><p>Shelby momentarily forgot how to breathe. Instead of saying what she wanted to say, she replied, "what's going is that this 'mask' is the new me and I don't fucking want you. We're over." With that, she tore herself away from the tree and stalked off, leaving Toni to stand there as her heart shattered into a million pieces. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Over the next day, as everyone else in the camp slowly became aware of their break up, they each tried to talk to Shelby, but her costume remained on. Shelby threw herself into the daily tasks, put on a dazzling smile for everyone. Toni started picking fights with everyone. She ignored Toni's dagger eyes on her whenever she looked her way. Shelby became a whole other person. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't what the fuck happened between you two but I'm really not appreciating the way you've made Toni act up." Rachel said. </p><p>"I'm sorry, I'll do whatever stuff Toni refuses, okay ?" Shelby replied with a sickeningly sweet smile. </p><p>"Okay, whatever." Rachel got up. "I do also miss you both being happy, for what it's worth." Shelby ignored that part. </p><p> </p><p>"I wish you hadn't destroyed my prime time romance show." Fatin joked. </p><p>"I'm sure you can find a great alternative. See, there's Nora's art show right there."</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, it's never too late to talk Toni. She's just as miserable you know." Dot broached. </p><p>"Thanks Dottie, but it was obviously never gonna work out. We're just too different."</p><p> </p><p>When Leah came, she didn't say anything for a while, she just sat there. "So, you don't know this, but when I first found out about you and Toni I told Toni she better not break your heart. But it looks like you've done that all on your own." She didn't say it an judgemental way, more of an observation. Shelby hated how Leah knew how her brain worked. She'd found a crack and she'd pushed at it. Because Shelby was heartbroken. She really was. Before she could stop herself, she started bawling. Leah held her as she cried and cried until she ran out of tears. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>That night, Shelby silently took Fatin's scissors and hacked off most of her hair. She needed a new look to go with her new persona, a veil to the cracks. She wouldn't slip up again. </p><p> </p><p>Everybody looked at her strangely the next day but nobody dared say anything directly to her face. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em> Martha </em>
</p><p> </p><p>When Shelby broke up with Toni, Toni came crashing to Martha, demanding to know what the hell she'd told her. But Martha wouldn't tell Toni, knowing full well it'd push her away. Because that's what she really wanted; to punish herself. </p><p>"I'm blaming you just as much as for this. I hate you both." and with that Toni retreated into herself, becoming a lone wolf. But, as Martha watched the chaos unfold, her reality started shift from its dark place to more of a middle ground. The red melting away. Talking with Dot helped. They told each other their deepest guilt and they slowly started to heal together. She seemed to understand Martha's inner turmoil better than anyone. She saw the pain she'd inflicted on Shelby, realised that she'd directed her own pain at her. Shelby didn't deserve that. Unfortunately, Martha only came to this realisation after Shelby had cut her hair, which had been a symbolic shift for Shelby's permanently overjoyed persona. Shelby was always a little too calm, a little too happy. Martha tried several times to apologise, say she was wrong but Shelby wouldn't listen. </p><p> </p><p>"Shelby I'm so sorry, can you please just let me explain-" </p><p>"I don't know what you're talking about Martha. You've got nothing to apologise for. If anything, I should thank you. I've never felt more clear headed before in my life." Shelby flashed a 1000-watt smile, which if Martha was honest, freaked her out. </p><p> </p><p>Martha tried to talk to Toni, but she was also way too pissed at her to give her the time of day. As soon as Martha would walk towards Toni, she'd get up and move as far away as possible. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em> Toni  </em>
</p><p>Toni couldn't think beyond the anger and pain. She wished she didn't feel things so strongly. Her body was always on guard, buzzing, ready for a threat. She and Dot had been tasked with foraging food; long gone were all the lychees and the remnants of the goat so they needed to expand their search perimeter. She pushed any thoughts of Shelby deep down; if she allowed herself to think about it, she'd get sad rather than angry. Because gone was the warm, bright, happy girl she'd come to know. The person that had replaced her was…. Plastic. No, it was much better to think how she'd hurt her, pushed her away. There wasn't a lot Toni could do about it, she'd already tried and failed to get through to her. </p><p>"Hey, what are those?" Dot's voiced snapped her out of her reverie. Toni went over to wear Dot was, where there was a bush full of dark berries. </p><p>"Nice find Dot!" but as Toni reached out to grab one Dot swatted her hand away. </p><p>"No. <em> Potentially </em>nice find. These are one of two berries. One of which is extremely poisonous. I think we can make an antidote if it is poisonous though. So, let's find the ingredients for that and take one of these back with us." And with that, they spent the rest of the day finding the rest of the stuff for the antidote and headed back. </p><p>They returned to where the fire was, where Fatin and Shelby were tending it. Toni immediately hardened in her presence. </p><p>"Hey guys!" Shelby breezed with the fakest smile. It made Toni feel sick. </p><p>"Fuck!" Dot called next to her. </p><p>"What is it?" Toni asked.</p><p>"We forgot one of the ingredients for the antidote. I'm not even sure I've actually seen it on the island at all. Fuck, we're not gonna last another day without food."</p><p>Toni measured the situation. "I'll do it."</p><p>"Do what?" Fatin asked, confused. </p><p>"I'll test the berry. I don't fucking care if I die at this point."</p><p>"Whoa, whoa calm down there." Dot said. Toni could feel Shelby's eyes on her but Toni refused to look her way. Toni grabbed the berry but before she could put it in her mouth she was tackled to the ground. Toni realised it was Shelby on top of her and she immediately started thrashing. </p><p>"Get the fuck off me! You don't give a shit about me so fuck off and let me do this!" </p><p>"Fuck you Toni!" Shelby screamed back as she stole the berry from Toni's hand and shoved it her own face. </p><p>Dot and Fatin pulled them apart. </p><p>"What the fuck just happened?!" Dot shouted. </p><p>"Did… Did you just eat the potential deadly berry Shelby?" </p><p>Shelby wasn't looking at anyone. Toni was really confused as to why the fuck she just did that but her heart hammered at the thought of anything happening to Shelby. </p><p>"Yeah she did."</p><p>"Fuck Shelby, that could kill you in less than 3 hours. We need to find that last ingredient as soon as possible. Someone needs to stay and monitor her and the rest of us need to get the fuck to the forest now." Dot said as calmly as possible, but she could tell she was incredibly stressed which made Toni feel sick. </p><p>"I'll stay with her. You guys go, NOW." Toni replied. With that, Fatin and Dot ran away. </p><p>Shelby still wasn't looking at her. </p><p>"Why the fuck did you just do that?" Toni asked. She could hear the own desperation, guilt in her own voice. </p><p>"You know why." Shelby breathed quietly. She made eye contact and just like that, Toni could see the façade was down. Toni didn't want to allow herself to believe what Shelby was implying so she carried on. </p><p>"No I don't. I don't get it. I'm serious, I really didn't mind taking the risk I don't need your white saviour complex to come rescue me."</p><p>"I love you, Toni." Toni's heart thundered in her chest. Shelby also looked like she was shocked at herself for saying it out loud and quickly caught herself, looking away. "But it doesn't matter. I-I can't do this." Then Shelby visibly paled. "Looks like these are actually the poisonous kind. Whoops."</p><p>Toni rushed to her side instantly. Shelby's skin was burning. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Dot and Fatin better come back fucking soon. </p><p>"Hey, it's okay, you're gonna be okay." Toni pleaded. </p><p>Shelby looked bad. "I'm not sure about that, but it's okay really." </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Shelby  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Seeing Toni so willing to throw her life away, the locked up Shelby ripped out of its cage. But now, she was pretty sure she might actually, really die. She didn't want to alarm Toni to just how awful she felt. She was tired of hiding away. Toni already hated her, she thought, she might as well tell her the truth. Then she'll realise how Shelby wasn't worth her being heartbroken over. So she told Toni what she told Martha, as well as Martha's response. She braced herself for Toni to shame her too. </p><p>"Oh my god Shelby, I'm so sorry." Toni's voice cracked as she wrapped her arms around Shelby. </p><p>"That was so not fucking okay what Marty said to you. And Shelby, she was projecting. You see, I think what you said might have triggered her because she was a victim of sexual abuse and she didn't tell her truth. She was in a dark place when she said that shit and it's no reflection about you. No wonder she's been trying to talk to us, she knows she messed up. Fuck, Shelby you've changed so much, I know for a fact Becca would be proud of you owning yourself and opening your heart. You're always so kind to everyone even when they don't give you the time of the day. You saved me. Again. And guess what? I love you too." Toni continued. "So please, please come back to us." </p><p>Shelby's breathing was getting very shallow now. "If I, you know, don't die, I'll consider it." Shelby said weakly. Even though Shelby was on her death bed, the forgiveness on Toni's face made her feel more alive than she ever had. She made herself a promise; she'd make Becca proud and stop hiding away if she ever made it out. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Toni  </em>
</p><p>Toni's heart throbbed at hearing Shelby's story. It all made sense now and she swore to herself that she'll always be there for Shelby, no matter what. Shelby took a shuddering breath and panic ignited in Toni. Shelby was <em> dying. </em>"DOT! FATIN! ANYONE?!" Toni screamed. Rachel and Nora came over. </p><p>"Rachel can you please go fucking get them? She doesn't have much time left." Toni couldn't help but cry. She didn't care who saw. Rachel nodded and ran off. After what felt like an eternity later, Fatin came running back with Rachel. </p><p>"Dot's on her way back, she found some other food. Here is the final ingredient." Fatin passed it to Nora who got to work straight away. After she finished making the concoction, she fed it to Shelby. She started coughing but it looked like it worked. Toni held her breath as she saw the life return to Shelby. </p><p>"Don't ever fucking scare me like that-" Toni started but was cut off by Shelby's lips on hers. As always, she couldn't help but melt into it. </p><p>"I'm so sorry." Shelby said in between kisses. </p><p>"Me too." Toni replied as they nudged foreheads. </p><p>"Um, so does this mean you guys are back together?" Rachel asked. Even she was smiling. </p><p>"Fuck yeah." was about all Toni could reply. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em> Shelby  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Toni and Shelby made up with Martha and even joined Martha and Dot's therapy sessions. It felt good to be able to be so honest and raw with each other. Fatin and Leah also joined and before they knew it Rachel and Nora also came. Shelby was happy to notice that everyone had found strength in each other as a big group. Whenever one of them started going down a dark path, the others were able to support and pull them out. She finally understood what it meant to have a chosen family. It might not be a utopia, but it was something. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Again, sorry I didn't read it properly through before posting. I completely stole the idea that Martha reminds Shelby of Becca from someone else so creds to them (sorry I can't remember whether it was tumblr or a fic or both). I hope you enjoyed it, do let me know if you did :) have a great day!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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